am I in love with you? or am I in love with the feeling?

It's a real talk we're having here.

Today's the day, the day I've been waiting for a couple of days. I've been thinking about this lately, and that makes me feel great for myself.

"Oh my God, on that day, I'll saw him after two years disconnected."

"Does he even miss me?"

"I swear we will be talking about shit when we reunited again."

Gosh, that sound pathetic. I can't believe I've said that to myself.

And even though one of my closest friend didn't make it, I still have another friend to accompany me there. We make a great convo, tho. we talked, and laughed with each other.

And then there's you.

You, who feels so close to me but seem very damn far away. You, the asshole who came late to our reunion, but I can't get mad at you.

You showed up, wearing a black t-shirt in the outside and black shirt inside, smiling, to everyone, just like you always do.  and Gosh, I can't stop staring at you.

You sit there, on the edge of the table, so that I can look into your face for awhile. I know it's a coincidence. late guy didn't deserve a place at the table.

As you wish, I spend my time right there, staring at you, but I feel nothing. I admit that I constantly, blatantly, and shameless, but still, I feel nothing. I just love to staring at you, just like I always do.

I'm trying to talk to my friends, and I can't focused my mind at her because of you. it's always been you.

Oh wow, look at you. you were pulling out a cigarette. how come I didn't know that you started smoking? but it's okay. still, I'll get used to.

Suddenly, I heard your voice, calling out my friend. I don't know why, but my eyes, automatically, goes to you, and your eyes too. our eyes meet for like what?  two seconds? less.

You're a man full of fresh idea, your imagination always flying high, and I would love to be involved into your world. I can share my world if you want too. or I can stay, and enjoy your world instead.

Because of that, you came a little bit closer to me, but not too close. there's still a gap between us.

You were saying what's on your mind. an idea. but it seems like an old idea because I've heard that idea like three years ago. what is that? oh, a trip with our classmates of 2013! guess what? I prefer to heard this idea from you, when you said it three years ago.

Did you have any idea, that I still remember, anything, literally anything you've said and you've done to me since we first met?

Shit. you wouldn't know that. why? because you don't give a damn about me.

I'm imagining me, whispering I really miss you on your ears.

That sound romantic. Wanna a give a try?

First time of trying, you talked to my friend first. was that even necessary? oh well, don't mind me. you just wanna talk to my friend, instead of me.

The one thing that I like is when you put out the cigarette before you sit closer to me. well, my other friend. not my closest friend. I did that on purpose or what, but I appreciate it.

You talked to her, I keep staring, and you avoiding any eye contacts.

Second time of trying, you came back closer to me again, and this time, you started speaking nonsense.

I don't recall what are you talking about at first but I think it goes like this;

"Hello, hello, you're from my school aren't you?" 

You tried so hard, I almost cry on you.

"Hey, do you remember once we met at a play station rental? it was when we're a tenth grader."

I AM SO SPEECHLESS. I can't talk. don't know whether to say yes or nah because I want this conversation to get as long as possible.

So I said no to you.

And you look so.. how can I say this? disappointed? thinking that I'm so unbelievable? I know you didn't believe me aren't you?

Then you went; "What? you don't recall at all? it was on ****** play station rental" but I keep shaking my head.

"Unbelievable. it's me! you don't remember it?" 

Why did you looked so depressed when I say I didn't recall what you recall about us? well, listen carefully dude.

Did you know that I have all these memories about ME and YOU, and knowing that you don't even recall one of those shittiest moment I've ever been, is stressing me out?

You were like, "It's me! you don't remember ME? you don't remember that we met on that goddamn play station rental and you FORGET about it? did you even love me?!"

I'm sorry but in my head, it's like you're saying that shit to me.

After complaining of how unbelievable am I to you, you left.

And I start whispering to myself, "I do recall about that. more than you could imagine. I remember every single details, how we met at that place."

But you can't hear my voice, aren't you?

Time to get home. I'm tired, and you look like you can banging to the drum, strumming the guitar, singing all your favorite song til the night is gone.

I'm going home with my friend. we said goodbye to each other. you raising your hand to get a high five with my friend, and maybe me as well, but I can't do that. so I just touching you, maybe a little bit hitting you with my purse. That's how I say my farewell to you now.

But hey, don't you know you haven't changed so much? the way you smile, laugh and talking is still the same. you are still the same person I know but much better. That was good, you know?

And thank you very much for tonight. even though I can't say anything to you, but you know I have a lot of shit to ask to you.

Hope that we can stay being friends forever.

Together, we become an asshole.